the question was put to me earlier today: if i to pick a setting for a weekend away, where would it be? i said rhode island; vermont. he said spain; florence; vienna.

clearly, i missed the 'no holds barred' caveat that was implied. and i prefer his suggestions, anyway.

but i am expected to come up with a real answer to that--i mean, if i'm going to pick an anywhere, it had best be properly anywhere. and i say that as long as i'm playing this game, i might as well get exotic. morocco. tangir. ulaanbaatar. provence. qingdao. vienna (where the bears live).

funny. i just got home, and now i'd love to go away again. the magic of winter.

suggestions?

okay. so. grr. not fired. even got partial bonus (only partial; my misery in this job over the summer was apparently punishable; but still, enough to pay off the credit card). spent the whole time dodging baited statements that she hoped would make me rat out my coworkers, or something. i am a master at sidestepping such landmines, fortunately.

all in all, a not terribly satisfactory experience. but not too horrible either. if for no other reason than it has really given me impetus to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. as soon as is humanly possible. while i still have a soul.

more upsetting is the fact that i'd been looking forward to hugs and headstrokes tonight, and i will not be receiving them, courtesy of an 8am conference call for boy. given that we appear to be incapable of getting up on time (i was an hour late for work today), that put the kibosh on this evening's meeting. so, sadness.

really, there's not much left for me to do but go buy some shoes, then go home and unwind with the gee-tar, a glass of whiskey and some cheese.

that phone should have rung fifteen minutes ago.

grrrr. remind me that it would be a Very Bad Idea for me to shoot my mouth off at this disrespectful harpy? please?

in theory, i am supposed to be up for my annual review sometime before the end of the month. i say 'in theory,' because erstwhile bosslady has made no effort to return my myriad communiques asking to schedule the blessed event. this has done nothing to alleviate the rift in my mind, tearing me between apathy and dread. given that i no longer have any respect for this woman, i don't really care what she says to me; on the other hand, she can fire me, and given my general history, i really need the health insurance.

i'm the last one in the office to be awaiting this questionable honor; having had the audacity to actually take my vacation days and use them, i missed the big wave two days before christmas. wherein she apparently did nothing but attack my colleagues for daring to be dissatisfied with the unbelievable mess and absurd state of affairs in which she left us. i liken it to a scene from the last meeting she attended, wherein she went after us for complaining about HR (who had been ignoring all of our questions for the better part of the month), placing the blame squarely on our shoulders, because clearly we just hadn't tried hard enough. never mind the seven emails and three phone calls we'd cooked up collectively to get our incredibly simple question answered.

anyway. the point is that at least i know she's going to tell me i'm a terrible person, a useless lump with no team spirit and no morale. but at least i respect the rest of my team, which is more than i can clearly say for her (at least if her behavior over the last year or so is anything to go by). which i feel gives me the right to simply spend my review fixing her with a dead-eyed stare, which is certain to make her uncomfortable. and it will be a useless victory. but seeing as how she's the daughter of the chairman of the board, it's not like i can actually complain, to i've got to get my rocks off somehow, really.

also, it's really, really, really, really cold today.

ADDENDUM: i have actually just received a communique from bosslady, and we have determined that my review will be conducted via telephone OVER MY LUNCHHOUR tomorrow. her reasoning is that it's too cold to bring the baby out. to which i think: "why would she bring a baby to my review, anyway? is that even allowed?" grumble grumble grumble.

so, because i'm a big ol' narcissist and a relentless social experimentor, i want to try something...you may or may not be aware of the fact that i have compiled a list of '100 things about shivery' (you can find the link in the sidebar). if you were to look at the comments box for that, you will note that the lovely ladies k have added their own contributions. which made me think...what an interesting idea. to encourage y'all, dear readers, to make your own contributions to the list!

i mean, if krissa's discovery of my old website is anything to go by, clearly you all know things about me that i'm not so aware of, myself. so enlighten me! let's make 100 things...more than 100.

and really, if you don't know anything about me, just make something up. but be nice!

his room is neat and dark; cozy. tonight it's brightened by a small bunch of pink tulips, procured so that i might have something nice to look at. we're drinking wine and smoking cigarettes, he is absent-mindedly rubbing my feet, taking care not to tickle them too much. i try hard to stifle the feeling that i must be about to wake up from this and returned to the cold winter.

it's so strange how this sort of thing hits so fast, how something i fought so hard at the outset has boomeranged back to become something i've willfully thrown myself into.

i didn't want or plan to be someone's girl again for quite some time. but i suppose that you never plan for these things, do you?

i mean, not if you expect them to work out.

i'm not very good at holding grudges or perpetuating vendettas. but, as i believe that every well-rounded girl should have at least one (so that she might expound deviously over a bottle of whiskey and a map of tucson), i do my best to cultivate a few. but, using the same logic that says a cow is easier to shoot than a fruitfly, i tend to aim high. none of this soft-touch single person vendetta action. oh no. i have vendettas against full years, against entire landmasses. so greenland and 2003 had better watch out. as soon as they've let their guard down, i'm so going to fuck their shit right up, yo.

word.

the good: mangoes and pineapples on new year's day. alias saturday. dinner and a movie on friday. digging out the awful truth on sunday night. using the kissy mix for the powers of good. bonding with the pod. beso brunch.

the bad missing the astoria brunch. being back at work. running out of socks, so i had to wash some in the sink.

the quote of the day: "it's too early to be human, forget pretty."

more to follow. still waking up. and sifting through thousands and thousands of emails. who would have thought that two weeks of neglect would cause an inbox to fester so?

happy new year, everyone. may the champagne flow freely, the object of your desire be within arm's reach for a good snogging and the next 366 days (don't forget, 2004 is a leap year!) be full of bright, shiny loveliness.

hello, kids! it's that time of year again, time to shout 'out with the old and in with the new!' time to symbolically start again. and you know what that means...resolutions!

i have spent many years making those big traditional resolutions--you know, quit smoking, go to the gym, give up...whatever. and i've never really been able to adhere to them. so this year, i'm taking a different approach. on the advice of a good friend, i'm regarding my resolutions more as a to do list, full of things that i would really help make the year a better one. so, here they are, in all their glory:

1. drink a glass of cranberry juice every morning.
2. listen to more al green.
3. leave the city at least once every six weeks, even if this just means taking the metro north commuter rail to some little hamlet in westchester county.
4. worry less, or at least try and keep things in perspective.
5. make another attempt to plow through 'gravity's rainbow'

and that's what's on the table at the moment. suggestions for additions, augmentations and substitutions are welcomed.

what's on your to-do list?