my final, and most important new year's resolution, is something i neglected to mention, largely because it seemed...well...not flippant enough to include on my to do list. because it's very important.

it is this: i hereby resolve to never try to twist and contort myself into the shape that i think someone else wants me to be, ever again. starting now, i will call when i want to call, email when i want to email, bristle when i am angry, tell people i love them when i feel it, reserve the right to be direct when i'm disappointed, stop making excuses for other people's behavior, speak what's on my mind, expect an actual explanation when i ask a question, feel completely justified in wanting to talk every day, refuse to be treated like a dirty little secret, and expect to be appreciated like the fabulous creature i am and if people don't like it, they can fuck off and die. because if they're going to have me in their lives, they're going to have ME in their lives. not the shrinking little flower that is willing to compromise herself to keep people from running away. if i have to work that hard, and give up that much, they clearly don't want to be around me anyway.

i'm tired of trying to make other people happy by denying what i want. hell with that.

this new plan seems to be working much better so far.

addendum: someone wise put it simply thus: "we only commit treason against ourselves when we start practising contortionism to try to fit in some sort of case that's easy for someone else to carry around." i think that sums it up awfully well.

today, i pulled out a cd that i had abandoned for far too long, by local fabulites two chicks and a casio. oh, the excitement! oh, the joy! there's one song in particular that i adore, that i am hereby resolving to listen to every time i feel bad about myself, or feel pangs and ghosts of old dumpings, or just need a general boost and reminder of my own personal fierceness. and i think that all the rest of you should, too.

the lyrics. *ahem*


TMW (too much woman)

too tall and too fine and too smart and too funny
too hip and too hot but don’t worry, not too much money
great friends and cool clothes a nice place and lots of invites
therapize, exercise, you realize so many delights

tmw too much woman for you

educated and complicated and not afraid to talk x-rated
open mind and a heart that’s kind I’m quite a find can’t be debated
sensitive with a lot to give not afraid to live or strongly feel
intense no pretense low maintenance the real deal

tmw too much woman for you

am I too much woman for you?
tell me, whatcha gonna do?
been around the block a time or two
am I too much woman for you

you’re not on your own if you live at home and you’re not exactly my style
there are many girls not of the same world with nothing behind the smile
step up to the plate, bring your wallet on a date, it was brave of you to call
step up on a stair, higher than my hair, just so you look tall
I need a man who will understand now this is not absurd
get out your thesaurus ‘cause here comes the chorus and I might use a big word

tmw too much woman for you

quick wit, no bullshit, a big hit in any venue
strong willed and fulfilled and quite skilled with any menu
mama is, sister is, grandma is and so I am too
it’s scary but hereditary and it’s called TMW

start with this.

then look at this.

i guarantee your friday will improve

so, more than half my bonus was eaten by taxes. but it was still enough to pay off the credit card. i am now debt-free. ROCK ON.

now, to move on and deal with the fact that this company is trying to fuck me out of a week's vacation. if there is a god, i will be out of here before long.

in other news, i have a show tonight! at the orange bear! at 8! and i'm wearing leather pants! (it's all very exciting)

the question was put to me earlier today: if i to pick a setting for a weekend away, where would it be? i said rhode island; vermont. he said spain; florence; vienna.

clearly, i missed the 'no holds barred' caveat that was implied. and i prefer his suggestions, anyway.

but i am expected to come up with a real answer to that--i mean, if i'm going to pick an anywhere, it had best be properly anywhere. and i say that as long as i'm playing this game, i might as well get exotic. morocco. tangir. ulaanbaatar. provence. qingdao. vienna (where the bears live).

funny. i just got home, and now i'd love to go away again. the magic of winter.

suggestions?

okay. so. grr. not fired. even got partial bonus (only partial; my misery in this job over the summer was apparently punishable; but still, enough to pay off the credit card). spent the whole time dodging baited statements that she hoped would make me rat out my coworkers, or something. i am a master at sidestepping such landmines, fortunately.

all in all, a not terribly satisfactory experience. but not too horrible either. if for no other reason than it has really given me impetus to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. as soon as is humanly possible. while i still have a soul.

more upsetting is the fact that i'd been looking forward to hugs and headstrokes tonight, and i will not be receiving them, courtesy of an 8am conference call for boy. given that we appear to be incapable of getting up on time (i was an hour late for work today), that put the kibosh on this evening's meeting. so, sadness.

really, there's not much left for me to do but go buy some shoes, then go home and unwind with the gee-tar, a glass of whiskey and some cheese.

that phone should have rung fifteen minutes ago.

grrrr. remind me that it would be a Very Bad Idea for me to shoot my mouth off at this disrespectful harpy? please?

in theory, i am supposed to be up for my annual review sometime before the end of the month. i say 'in theory,' because erstwhile bosslady has made no effort to return my myriad communiques asking to schedule the blessed event. this has done nothing to alleviate the rift in my mind, tearing me between apathy and dread. given that i no longer have any respect for this woman, i don't really care what she says to me; on the other hand, she can fire me, and given my general history, i really need the health insurance.

i'm the last one in the office to be awaiting this questionable honor; having had the audacity to actually take my vacation days and use them, i missed the big wave two days before christmas. wherein she apparently did nothing but attack my colleagues for daring to be dissatisfied with the unbelievable mess and absurd state of affairs in which she left us. i liken it to a scene from the last meeting she attended, wherein she went after us for complaining about HR (who had been ignoring all of our questions for the better part of the month), placing the blame squarely on our shoulders, because clearly we just hadn't tried hard enough. never mind the seven emails and three phone calls we'd cooked up collectively to get our incredibly simple question answered.

anyway. the point is that at least i know she's going to tell me i'm a terrible person, a useless lump with no team spirit and no morale. but at least i respect the rest of my team, which is more than i can clearly say for her (at least if her behavior over the last year or so is anything to go by). which i feel gives me the right to simply spend my review fixing her with a dead-eyed stare, which is certain to make her uncomfortable. and it will be a useless victory. but seeing as how she's the daughter of the chairman of the board, it's not like i can actually complain, to i've got to get my rocks off somehow, really.

also, it's really, really, really, really cold today.

ADDENDUM: i have actually just received a communique from bosslady, and we have determined that my review will be conducted via telephone OVER MY LUNCHHOUR tomorrow. her reasoning is that it's too cold to bring the baby out. to which i think: "why would she bring a baby to my review, anyway? is that even allowed?" grumble grumble grumble.

so, because i'm a big ol' narcissist and a relentless social experimentor, i want to try something...you may or may not be aware of the fact that i have compiled a list of '100 things about shivery' (you can find the link in the sidebar). if you were to look at the comments box for that, you will note that the lovely ladies k have added their own contributions. which made me think...what an interesting idea. to encourage y'all, dear readers, to make your own contributions to the list!

i mean, if krissa's discovery of my old website is anything to go by, clearly you all know things about me that i'm not so aware of, myself. so enlighten me! let's make 100 things...more than 100.

and really, if you don't know anything about me, just make something up. but be nice!

his room is neat and dark; cozy. tonight it's brightened by a small bunch of pink tulips, procured so that i might have something nice to look at. we're drinking wine and smoking cigarettes, he is absent-mindedly rubbing my feet, taking care not to tickle them too much. i try hard to stifle the feeling that i must be about to wake up from this and returned to the cold winter.

it's so strange how this sort of thing hits so fast, how something i fought so hard at the outset has boomeranged back to become something i've willfully thrown myself into.

i didn't want or plan to be someone's girl again for quite some time. but i suppose that you never plan for these things, do you?

i mean, not if you expect them to work out.