in theory, i am supposed to be up for my annual review sometime before the end of the month. i say 'in theory,' because erstwhile bosslady has made no effort to return my myriad communiques asking to schedule the blessed event. this has done nothing to alleviate the rift in my mind, tearing me between apathy and dread. given that i no longer have any respect for this woman, i don't really care what she says to me; on the other hand, she can fire me, and given my general history, i really need the health insurance.

i'm the last one in the office to be awaiting this questionable honor; having had the audacity to actually take my vacation days and use them, i missed the big wave two days before christmas. wherein she apparently did nothing but attack my colleagues for daring to be dissatisfied with the unbelievable mess and absurd state of affairs in which she left us. i liken it to a scene from the last meeting she attended, wherein she went after us for complaining about HR (who had been ignoring all of our questions for the better part of the month), placing the blame squarely on our shoulders, because clearly we just hadn't tried hard enough. never mind the seven emails and three phone calls we'd cooked up collectively to get our incredibly simple question answered.

anyway. the point is that at least i know she's going to tell me i'm a terrible person, a useless lump with no team spirit and no morale. but at least i respect the rest of my team, which is more than i can clearly say for her (at least if her behavior over the last year or so is anything to go by). which i feel gives me the right to simply spend my review fixing her with a dead-eyed stare, which is certain to make her uncomfortable. and it will be a useless victory. but seeing as how she's the daughter of the chairman of the board, it's not like i can actually complain, to i've got to get my rocks off somehow, really.

also, it's really, really, really, really cold today.

ADDENDUM: i have actually just received a communique from bosslady, and we have determined that my review will be conducted via telephone OVER MY LUNCHHOUR tomorrow. her reasoning is that it's too cold to bring the baby out. to which i think: "why would she bring a baby to my review, anyway? is that even allowed?" grumble grumble grumble.

so, because i'm a big ol' narcissist and a relentless social experimentor, i want to try something...you may or may not be aware of the fact that i have compiled a list of '100 things about shivery' (you can find the link in the sidebar). if you were to look at the comments box for that, you will note that the lovely ladies k have added their own contributions. which made me think...what an interesting idea. to encourage y'all, dear readers, to make your own contributions to the list!

i mean, if krissa's discovery of my old website is anything to go by, clearly you all know things about me that i'm not so aware of, myself. so enlighten me! let's make 100 things...more than 100.

and really, if you don't know anything about me, just make something up. but be nice!

his room is neat and dark; cozy. tonight it's brightened by a small bunch of pink tulips, procured so that i might have something nice to look at. we're drinking wine and smoking cigarettes, he is absent-mindedly rubbing my feet, taking care not to tickle them too much. i try hard to stifle the feeling that i must be about to wake up from this and returned to the cold winter.

it's so strange how this sort of thing hits so fast, how something i fought so hard at the outset has boomeranged back to become something i've willfully thrown myself into.

i didn't want or plan to be someone's girl again for quite some time. but i suppose that you never plan for these things, do you?

i mean, not if you expect them to work out.

i'm not very good at holding grudges or perpetuating vendettas. but, as i believe that every well-rounded girl should have at least one (so that she might expound deviously over a bottle of whiskey and a map of tucson), i do my best to cultivate a few. but, using the same logic that says a cow is easier to shoot than a fruitfly, i tend to aim high. none of this soft-touch single person vendetta action. oh no. i have vendettas against full years, against entire landmasses. so greenland and 2003 had better watch out. as soon as they've let their guard down, i'm so going to fuck their shit right up, yo.

word.

the good: mangoes and pineapples on new year's day. alias saturday. dinner and a movie on friday. digging out the awful truth on sunday night. using the kissy mix for the powers of good. bonding with the pod. beso brunch.

the bad missing the astoria brunch. being back at work. running out of socks, so i had to wash some in the sink.

the quote of the day: "it's too early to be human, forget pretty."

more to follow. still waking up. and sifting through thousands and thousands of emails. who would have thought that two weeks of neglect would cause an inbox to fester so?

happy new year, everyone. may the champagne flow freely, the object of your desire be within arm's reach for a good snogging and the next 366 days (don't forget, 2004 is a leap year!) be full of bright, shiny loveliness.

hello, kids! it's that time of year again, time to shout 'out with the old and in with the new!' time to symbolically start again. and you know what that means...resolutions!

i have spent many years making those big traditional resolutions--you know, quit smoking, go to the gym, give up...whatever. and i've never really been able to adhere to them. so this year, i'm taking a different approach. on the advice of a good friend, i'm regarding my resolutions more as a to do list, full of things that i would really help make the year a better one. so, here they are, in all their glory:

1. drink a glass of cranberry juice every morning.
2. listen to more al green.
3. leave the city at least once every six weeks, even if this just means taking the metro north commuter rail to some little hamlet in westchester county.
4. worry less, or at least try and keep things in perspective.
5. make another attempt to plow through 'gravity's rainbow'

and that's what's on the table at the moment. suggestions for additions, augmentations and substitutions are welcomed.

what's on your to-do list?

i wanted to write something incisive and brilliant about how nice it is to be home (which it really is), about how excited i am to see everyone and how good it feels to be back in my nice cozy apartment...but that will have to wait. for now let's just say this: getting picked up at the airport is the best thing in the world, particularly when the one waiting at the end of the arrival chute looks at you as though christmas has finally arrived, in your big red suitcase and four days late. 

so, while i've learned my lesson about making idle boasts (note to self: never agree to enter tournaments built on random fluke victories), i am pleased to note that from time to time, i seem to be able to wield a shotgun with a decent amount of acuity.

which, of course, means i hit two clay pigeons the whole morning. little buggers didn't stand a chance.

yesterday was this family's equivalent of a reunion, with three of the five aunties in one place, several uncles, plenty of long lost cousins and even some of their children. having not seen any of them in quite a few years, it was wild. the thing is, despite the fact that we all looked a little different, and that most of the assembled company had eight million questions about my life in new york (i got to tell my september 11 story about six times), it was much the same as i remembered it. card tournaments, sherry trifle, free-flowing beer, racing pigeons, christmas crackers...really, the only major changes were that i was suddenly the tallest person in the room, but not the youngest.

refreshing.